Happy Easter!

We've been getting ready for Easter around here for a few weeks now, kicking it off with a visit with the Easter Bunny.  Lucy was super excited about it and when we got there the Bunny was occupied with other kids, which Lucy didn't like.  She started screaming "Easter Bunny!  Hi!" Then grabbed my hand to lead me to him which I thought would last until we were right up to him, but the only time she got even slightly hesitant was when I set her on his lap.  Otherwise she thought it was great and kept turning around to look at his ears. 

Today we colored Easter eggs with Nanny.  Lucy thought it was super fun.  She loved dropping the eggs into the colors, but she thought they were "swimming" so she didn't want to leave them in there to color, she wanted to just dunk them around and stick her fingers in the "water".  It was kind of an ordeal to say the least.  She kept my Mom busy rotating the colors and eggs while I took pictures and video.  Then toward the end Lucy got all crazy and threw the egg into the blue dye which spilled all over herself and the carpet.  While I was trying to clean up the blue my Mom turned her back for a second and Lucy grabbed the orange and dumped it all over herself, the carpet, the cushion she was sitting on, oh dear.  I ended up on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor (which came clean, surprisingly) while my Mom tended to the table cleanup, and Lucy just started yelling "amazing! amazing!"  Hilarious.  So we let her finish up the last few eggs we had while she talked to my Mom about the "trouble" and how it was "amazing".  My Mom was happy to usher us out to the pool when we were done!  She said maybe next year will be more fun, but really, Lucy had a ball and that's what it was all about!

Nanny and Lucy's hands after the Easter egg coloring fun!

And after the Easter Bunny left!  Easter has always been big with my family aside from the true meaning of the holiday, we have always had fun with the commercial side as well.  Since we are not currently active in a church to celebrate the most important holiday of the year, we have to celebrate with eachother by reading the scriptures and sharing the story of Easter with Lucy through her children's Easter book and explaining the upcoming holiday  each day with her.  Hopefully by next year we will be engaged in a church and can celebrate with our church family as well.  

Matthew 28:1-10 (New International Version, ©2011)

Matthew 28

Jesus Has Risen

 ¹ After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.  ² There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. ³ His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. ⁴ The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
 ⁵ The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. ⁶ He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. ⁷ Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”
 ⁸ So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. ⁹ Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. ¹⁰ Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

a little happy post smack in the middle of crazy

Ya'll probably know how crazy life is for my family right now.  As we sit here Phil is in the hospital because the crushed toe led to an infection and his leg is the size of a baby elephant right now. It looks really bad and is pretty scary.  They have him on a thousand antibiotics and he'll be there for at least the next two to three days. 

Obviously spending time there is difficult with Lucy, so I can only go for short periods of time and then I have to leave which makes me feel bad since he's left to fend for himself, though I know he understands.  Plus, trying to get all the necessary gear organized and hanging over me and the stroller for the huge trek from the garage to his room is such an ordeal.  And then the nighttime when Lucy keeps asking where Daddy is=so sad.  It's just super stressful all the way around.

SO, I needed to have a little happy in my life and decided to look through my camera roll. 

Last month we made a trip to Tennessee.  I love it up there and the sun was just setting as we were getting to town.

While we were there Lucy got to play at the Hamilton Place play area, which she loves.  You can pretty much guarantee that no matter the city, we will always be scouting a mall play area for her to play in.  Kinda funny since before I had a child and even for a while after I had her I was so against these germ filled play areas. 

It's been really warm lately so I broke out the plastic play pool one afternoon and painstakingly filled it with warm bath water while Lucy napped so that when she woke up she would have a fun activity and get a little fresh air and sun too.  You should have seen me carrying huge buckets filled with water from the bathroom to the back yard.  I was totally fearful it would burst all over my living room!  Anyway, the next day I got the pool out early and set up the umbrella because it was particularly hot with no clouds and I wanted her to play without me having to worry about her getting burnt!  Plus I had to lay a blanket down in the yard to guard from the dog "germs" and dirt and Momma had to have a sun mat to sit comfortably on too!  When we went outside Lucy said "Lucy's beach!" and had a great time playing and enjoying a popsicle.  It was a perfect day and so much fun for both of us, which I absolutely needed.  If only I had her imagination that the tiny back yard became a beach with just the addition of an umbrella, pool, and beach blanket!

And the other day while I was cleaning out old toys making room for new her Little People dollhouse was not making the cut and slated for the "to-go" list when she all of a sudden grabbed it and it has been her favorite toy ever since. 

I could probably get rid of everything else at this point because she has so much fun playing with it.  She carries her little dolls around and puts them in the door and talks to them.  It's the cutest thing I've ever seen, other than the popsicle enjoyment, and while I watched her playing I realized she is SO BIG!  When did my baby get to be big enough to play with a doll house??  Pretty sure I just brought her home from the hospital last week.  I think my friend was totally right when she said "the days are long, but the years are short".

She always makes me happy, regardless of the crazy all around me.  Thank God for my Lucy!



I'll be your caregiver this evening, you can call me "Tired"

So it's been forever and two days since I have updated anything but sometimes I just have so much in front of me, I can't seem to keep up. 

School is going fabulously.  I am really enjoying it and while I wish I was done already, only in my 3rd week, I am learning alot and find it interesting.  Plus, I love the format online which is really working for me.  Very time consuming, but I'm working it in and just seem to have less free time, but I never really had any anyway so no big deal.

Phil finally got back to work after his biceps repair via worker's comp. and then on Thursday crushed his big toe while at work.  Like the skin tissue is so badly damaged they predict he will lose it and they had to drill 3 holes in his toenail to relieve some of the pressure from the swelling to prevent compartment syndrome and the eventual amputation of his toe.  Seriously.  Who has a broken toe so badly crushed they tell you at the emergency clinic that you could need your toe amputated?  Phil, that's who.

Then there's my house which is so cluttered because apparently the "free time" I previously referred to was actually my cleaning time.  It's fairly overwhelming and I'm about 2 seconds away from breaking down and hiring a cleaning person to give me a little help around here.

I chose a profession in which my entire day at work is dedicated to caring for people.  Be it my patients, the doctor, management, or families my entire being is forced to give my all while I'm at work because that's what my patients deserve and what I believe will come back to me should my family ever be in a hospital setting.  It's exhausting. 

I come home to a perfect little being whom I adore and whom also requires all of my time and attention.  A little person who really doesn't nap and stays up at night with me until I have to just leave her in her room sometimes while she is awake and unhappy.  I am done with the day and just need a little break, which makes me feel like I'm not giving her my best, though I know that's not true.  I don't think we ever feel like "enough" for our babies.  It's exhausting.

At any given moment I have 259 various things in my head that I need to tend to, address, rectify, or otherwise devote just a few moments.  I have become so good at prioritizing it's obscene because I just simply can't do everything and certainly can't be everything to everyone.  But I have a husband that deserves at least the best his wife can give him and I know I don't rise to the occasion sometimes.  It's exhausting.

I used to play that silly game on my phone where you create this island resort and clean up after your guests and appease them when they are dissatisfied.  I thought it was super fun.  Then I found myself getting mad at the imaginary people on my imaginary island because they threw their imaginary trash all over and then had the balls to be dissatisfied with their accommodations to where I had to make them happy by buying them drinks.  WTF?  I was MAD at IMAGINARY guests on my island.  And that's when I deleted the game because I care for enough people and things in reality that you won't find me farming or building resorts or caring for virtual barnyard animals or zoo critters. 

Sometimes 24 hours in a day isn't enough and I need to be 3 people just to get it all done.  I'm learning what is important and what to let go.  Keyword learning.  But it's super hard and sometimes all I need is 2 hours to myself to just have silence.  I know my friends get it.  And I know some of you are struggling just like me to be everything to everyone and to feel like you are the best mom and wife ever.  So, to all of you, I want to say you are doing a great job, keep it up.  Because sometimes all we need is a little support, encouragement, and the knowledge that you aren't alone in the life struggles!

$5 small carton of OJ, gimme 2 please!

The Farmer's Market is something I've always loved going to.  I remember when I was a child my parents would go and we picked out fresh beans, okra, spinach, tomatoes, onions.  I can still smell the sweet smell of the fresh fruits and veggies and remember being super excited about that night's meal when we would cook and enjoy our purchases.  The people selling the goods were so interesting and friendly.  I could go on and on about how great it was.  Plus, in Inverness there were an abundance of little fruit stands, orange groves, and strawberry fields so fresh foods were not something you had to look too hard to locate.

A couple years ago I discovered the downtown Gainesville farmer's market and LOVED going.  They sold delicious lemonade to drink while you shopped, home made pastries, huge bunches of beautiful flowers, and of course fruits and veggies.  I even bought some raw milk one time, and I say one time because I hate milk and Phil wasn't a huge enough fan to justify the extreme cost.  The major, and I mean major, downside for me shopping at the market was the people.  The folks selling the items weren't tremendously friendly and the people that shopped there were very, um, green.  Like don't bathe kind of green.  Like hairy armpits kind of green.  TOTALLY not me.  And honestly the tight quarters and the nasty people discouraged me from shopping there so I stopped going. 

The market ended up getting so large they moved it to the area next to the courthouse.  Around the same time organic became all the rage, so the goods you were buying at the farmer's market was about twice the amount you would pay at the store.  Making the location even better was the fact you had to shop with the town's homeless population, so really there was no draw for me anymore even with the new "open air" feel.  Anyway you looked at it you were shopping with people that hadn't showered in, what, weeks?  And let me just take a moment to say, if you are au naturale about your hygeine then good for you.  I'm probably not your friend, but if you stumbled upon my little corner of life here I just have to say one thing.  If you don't bathe because you somehow think you are cleaner without the chemicals in soaps or the harsh chlorine treated water--you are WRONG.  You smell bad and perhaps should consider living in a state that isn't sweltering hot and humid approximately 10 months of the year. 

Here's my point.  I went to the downtown market yesterday in search of fresh veggies and fruit.  I left with some tomatoes and a small bag of new potatoes.  Drank some delicious lemonade.  And purchased $10 worth of orange juice and grapefruit juice.  Why would I pay that for something I could get at the store?  Easy,  it's fresh squeezed and delicious.  I got used to drinking the oj from Ferris Groves in Inverness so when I am out I go through withdrawls and thought that while my $5 one liter of oj was worth it I would rather drive an hour and a half back home to buy some fresh from the groves.  Like $6 per gallon at Ferris.  Even the juice that I was ready to invest in for the entire week fell short of my expectations.  Sigh.  Though I have to admit, the oj isn't bad.  It's not $5 good, but not bad.  The grapefruit juice was definitely not worth the money.  BUT the wild watermelon, blackberry, gourmet lalala whatever blend at $7.50 per liter is something I would totally go back for.  It was divine and I wish I had bought a bottle.  Somewhere between the juices and my handing over the money my brain kicked in and told me to slow my roll.  No need to buy the orange grove this week.

I'm going to try to make it to one of the other local markets this weekend to see if maybe I could find one that fits me a little better because I hate to think there isn't one around I could shop at and Waldo is a little far to drive for some produce.  Though the fact the people at the Waldo market probably had a shower, likely won't have their pit bull mere inches from my daughter, and hopefully have vaccinated their children automatically ranks that market above downtown Gainesville.  Ugh. 

...do not hinder them...

Every night after Lucy's bath we read the plaques on her bedroom wall while I dry her hair and finish dressing her.  She looks forward to it so much that she points to the words and smiles.  I love it.  One plaque I talked about here and the other I haven't taken a picture of but it is a pink and green cross that reads 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith not by sight.  My favorite moment was a couple weeks ago when we were reading the pink and green cross and Lucy said "wow!" which showed me a child's reaction to scripture.  We also talk about the Bible and I always recite Matthew 19:14 to Lucy during our bedtime rituals.  She is so interested when we are talking about God and I feel like it is our job to teach her, or at least lead her to where she can learn about Him.

Here's the problem.  I work every Sunday.  My job requires 8 weekend shifts (Saturday or Sunday) per 8 week schedule which can equal whatever days you want as long as you have 8.  My schedule since I began working has always been every Sunday, which wasn't that big of a deal when I worked nights since I went to church in the morning and napped in the afternoon before work.  About 3 years ago I switched to an all days schedule and maintained my every Sunday schedule, which I really hated because church was eliminated at least in the form of Sunday morning church I have always known.  And Saturdays are the only day Phil and I had off together.  Then I had Lucy.

Phil and I have been talking for months about how we need to take Lucy to church and reinvent that portion of our lives but I have yet to create the schedule necessary to make that a reality.  I know there are churches that have services other days of the week, but my church does not.  Which is the second part of the problem.  I am Lutheran.  Was raised Lutheran, wed in a Lutheran church, Lucy was Christened in the same church.  I love the way we worship and believe as the church teaches.  Obviously "becoming" another denomination is a difficult task I am not fully embracing it.  Phil is a little more open so it's really just me.  And I am trying to over come it but I'm not doing so well.  The ultimate goal is for our family to worship together and for Lucy to learn all the ways of God and I feel like at this point I am hindering it.  I can't give up our Saturdays together as a family, I can't embrace a new schedule, and I can't think about becoming a member of a non-Lutheran church.  I am the one slowing our journey. 

So, at night as I recite Matthew 19:14 to Lucy it's part of my reminding myself that I need to make this a focus.  I know so many of my friends have struggled with finding a church home for their family and I know you understand at least a part of my challenges.  Any prayers you can offer on our behalf are greatly welcome.  This is so important to us and I'm truly at a loss.

Judgy Mommy

I've realized as I've been a mom that the most judgemental people are those without children.  Similar to how everyone at some time has thought or said, "I will/would never do THAT."  Then it's 4am on the 2nd week without sleep and you not only have your baby sleeping on his or her tummy, but the baby is sleeping on your chest on his tummy while you catch the first shut eye since his or her birth. And you check off the first thing you said you would never do before the baby came to reside on this earth.

Along the way I've realized that the feeling of being judged by your mommy peers never really goes away.  Likely people aren't really thinking you are a bad mom by having your child securely strapped into a harness, but the fact that you have your child on a leash just sends the feeling of daggers your way.  Similar to how I feel when I put Lucy in the shopping cart without the cover.  Mind you she has been sick once in her life.  Once.  But I can't shake the feeling that I'm exposing her to unmentionable germs and everyone at the store is condemning me for being such a dirty person.

My difficulties I had to get over with Lucy was the breastfeeding stigma, because I still tend to be pretty judgy about that.  And feeding her jars of food instead of painstakingly preparing it for her. 

So, I have to briefly address the breastfeeding issue (because if you know me you also know I could go on for hours about it!)  I have never understood women who CHOOSE not to breastfeed.  I'm completely eliminating those women who for whatever reason are unable to because of medications they need or are physiologically incapable.  I'm referring to the women who just WON'T.  I believe it is still my responsibility to provide nutrition to my child even after she no longer resides in my body.  End of story.  Now I was under the impression that would be an easy task. You have a baby, you produce milk.  No big deal.  Then the reality of my body occurred and $400 a month later I was producing like 2 ounces of breastmilk PER DAY.  But, I paid it and we breastfed for 9 months and I would totally do it all over again just to have the peace of mind that I did my job.  It wasn't for my lack of effort, it was my body that didnt know what the hell to do.  Not my fault and I did the best I could and I'm totally cool with that.  That doesn't mean that for the first year I didn't prepare Lucy's formula in breastmilk containers so that other people wouldn't know that she was not actually dining on breastmilk. 

Then there's the jar food vs. prepared food debate.  I swore I would be that mom that pureed all of Lucy's food and froze it into perfect little ice cube tray squares for later consumption.  I pictured myself spending a day in the kitchen every couple of weeks to make delicious and nutritious food for my sweet girl.  Everyone said "ok".  Then gave me the "sure you will" look while reminding me that I don't cook.  I'm not usually the cook in the family so this would really be a huge undertaking for me.  But I did it, I made carrots and applesauce.  Green beans.  Etc.  And Lucy hated them.  Actually, she hated all food.  Feeding her was and still is a huge ordeal.  And I felt, probably selfishly, that if she wasn't going to eat the food I provided her I wasn't going to take the time to cook it myself.  Thankfully I found Earth's Best Organics.  I realized that I might have been cooking the foods for her, but these were organic foods.  Prepared with combos of veggies and fruits and they were actually tasty.  And time saving.  So I didn't feel like I was spooning poison into her mouth every time I was trying to feed her, I knew she was still getting good, clean nutrition.  And gradually I became ok with that.  I wasn't supermom who pureed all her foods.  I'm ok with that too.

I think one of the challenges with raising children is that amount of pressure we put on ourselves.  The pressure to not be judged.  Pressure to raise our babies the right way, whatever you deem that to be.  And pressure to overcome your fears of being judged because honestly I've realized who gives a damn.  I typically don't care what other people think of me, but somehow when I had Lucy I wanted to be perfect in the pursuit of motherhood.  I'm gradually realizing that even in this area, I just don't give a damn if people are being judgy toward me or my family.  It's very liberating.  And something I highly recommend to all my mommy friends who are struggling with this as much as I did!

Tara Norris, student...again

After prayerful consideration and moments of panic I am officially a student again.  Last week I signed up for my first semester of grad school.  And somehow I am not only peaceful, but excited about it!  If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I was ever interested in going back to school for my Masters I would have rolled my eyes and laughed at you.  I simply didn't want to, ever.  It was never my plan.  I was perfectly happy after I graduated with my BSN to never, ever, ever go beyond that.  Then all of a sudden a month and a half ago I decided to do a little research regarding becoming a certified nurse, which I think is a total crock after doing my "research" (but that's for another time) and somehow ended up just peeking at some online schools that offer nursing Masters programs to see what exactly is out there.  Through clicking here and there I found a school that as best I can tell was started as a technology hub from Vanderbilt and only had decent reviews, not "scam" when googled, and the more I read the more interested I became.  Completely online, no tests only weekly papers, no GRE, it just kept getting better.  Plus it had those good reviews unlike some other schools I had found during that search I initially did. 

I prayed for guidance, peace about the decision to go back to school and about the debt we would accrue, and a sign that this is the right move at this time.  Over the next weeks I received all of that reassurance and within a couple weeks was writing admission essays, revamping my resume, and was accepted, I was GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!

Orientation started Monday and classes start officially in 2 weeks.  I'm still excited about it and just want to be done.  I am hoping I can double up classes in the coming semesters so this isn't a full  2 year program, but we'll see how it goes.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with this degree when I am done with it, but that's a bridge yet to cross.  And I know I am in the right place right now, so when that time comes I will be taken care of then as well.  Here goes...

Saturday bike ride

Life around my house has been fairly uneventful lately, just how I like it, though it doesn't make for very good blogging!

Saturday my little family went for a bike ride down the Hawthorne trail.  Phil got a new bike for Christmas and I got one shortly afterward so we have been trying to make time to go out together with Lucy in her little pod that Phil pulls along with his bike.  The weather was gorgeous so we went out around 1pm and made it back to the car around 3pm.  After that we took Lucy to the park to play so she could burn a little energy too!  Saturday at the park is a true experience and only serves to remind me how much I hate Gainesville, but that's for another post and she had a good time which is what matters!

 

Anyway, one part of the trail takes you to Alachua Lake overlook and while I wasn't expecting much I was actually blown away at how pretty it was!  I wish I had my camera with me but thankfully I brought my phone and could take a couple pics.  Lucy thought it was pretty great too!

Though I think the highlight of the trip was the (thanks to facebook) now infamous "flowered panties."  For those that haven't seen the explanation:  I was trucking along on my bike in front of Phil and Lucy when I hear Phil call out "turn left up here, flowered panties" and before I could even say anything I hear Lucy from her pod "flower panty."  It served as my lesson that I really need to get some better biking/walking/work out clothes!  Thanks Phil.  You will now be buying me a new work out wardrobe.  Serves you right, smart ass.

Goals check in

At the beginning of the year I wrote about my dislike for goals and instead set some foci for the year.  If they are going to be a focus for the year, I need to check in and see how I'm doing in the hopes I will become more eager to accomplish them.  Here we go:

Read.  I'm actually doing well with this.  And the more I read the more I enjoy it, I'm just seriously lacking in spare time and by the end of my day unless I am required to do it, it's just not getting done.  I wanted to be done with my first book by February, but I'm still reading it.  I feel like I'm behind, but trying to remind myself I'm doing it for fun so I don't stress too much about it.  The book I'm currently reading is The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage and if I'd looked at the author I probably wouldn't have chosen it.  I think Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a bit, um unrealistic, in some of her thoughts, but as I've gotten further in the book I realized there is some good take away messages so I've pressed on.  Phil was a little shocked when he saw the book and thought maybe I was hinting at something but I think the January book choice spoke well to the difficult times I was having with Lucy that month and the fact that I think once the children come along the marriage relationship turns more into a parenting relationship and the marriage can lack if you aren't focused on continuing to strenghten it.  That was my point in choosing this book, so that I can learn more about ways to strengthen our marriage, thus strengthening our parenting.  So far so good.

Eating Mindfully.  Not so good.  I sort of ditched my dietary efforts after the January from the depths of hell emotionally/parentally speaking.  Most days off I was lucky to eat anything before 2pm and by that time I just needed something in my belly and of course chose my comfort foods--any carbs, anything sweet.  So, therefore, I'm trying to get back on track.  And I guess the redeeming fact here is that while some of my day may have been shot calorie wise, I did try to eat a healthy dinner and limit my indulgence to "lunch" so I have made a little progress.

Make new friends.  No progress here.  I have to be honest and say I haven't even tried.  I have all year, so why rush in. 

Let's see how February treats me and we'll reevaluate in March.

Conversations with her Daddy

I love watching how Phil and Lucy interact with eachother.  It is truly hilarious seeing them have a conversation about whatever, watching the way she looks at him, the way he scoops her up and gives her kisses and she yells "Spree!" because Daddy is going on a kissing spree and she giggles and smiles while he gives her 2000 kisses.  Sweetest moments between a Daddy and daughter, and I get to stand witness.

Last night I was upstairs and just out of the shower when I hear Phil say to her "your nose is running, I hope you're not getting sick" then came the distinct sound of a nose blowing, twice, immediately followed by "no, NO! we don't blow our nose on Daddy, let me get you a tissue.  Ok, now blow."  Silence.  Then I think she yelled at him and went back to her toys.  I couldn't help but laugh.  Loudly.  I later found out she didn't blow her nose on his shirt, but instead on his bare arm. 

I can't make this stuff up.  The two of them are my favorite people.  My heart.

The blogging hiatus

I'm what, a month, back to blogging and I disappear for two weeks.  Totally not my intention when I started this whole deal.  Anyway, Lucy was going through a difficult period lending to not a whole lot of sleep and therefore not a whole lot of patience.  Plus we started disciplining her in a more consistant manner and for at least the first week that didn't go well AT ALL.  But now we are at least getting in the hang of it, so it's going better.  Throw a few eye teeth on top of it and the Norris household has been rather unpleasant.  Oh, and Phil has been working about 60 hours a week, so not a whole lot of help there either.

This month was the 1 year anniversary of Lucy's christening and the perfect time to add a beautiful cross to our home.  If I had a super tall ladder I would have an entire collection in the vaulted area of our living room, but since I don't I have to be aware of my cross purchases.  By the time I went to hang the newest addition I already broke it so no picture until I get it fixed and placed on the wall.  I think crosses are beautiful and the perfect decor for my surroundings.  It helps me on days that I am so overwhelmed or generally agitated to look around and know I have a Higher power that is in charge. 

Coinciding with Lucy's newest difficult self, I found this wall plaque and it just fit perfectly.  It reminds me that God created Lucy perfectly and has great plans for her, so when I am up to my eyeballs due to the lack of sleep and her spirited personality, she is going to do big things through Him. 

This week has gone much better around here, except for the sleeping part, but I'm hoping as the teething part calms down that will as well.  I firmly believe if you have a poor sleeper and that is just their pattern, you can plan and adjust to the middle of the night wake ups and exhaustion but if you have a usually great sleeper at night and then you toss in an intermittent wake up call mid sleep cycle and only every other day, or everyday, then every two days you just can never adjust to that and that leads to crazy, crazy Mom.  At least this Mom!

I hope your week has gone better and that ours continues on the right path.  She is such an amazing little person and totally perfect to me.  How can you be annoyed with someone who wakes up in the middle of the night, somehow finds the remote control amidst the blankets, turns on the tv, and then waits for you to wake up to greet you with "Hi!" like she's been waiting alllll day for you!  Or when she says "cracker please" which really sounds more like "cacka peeese"?  My sleep deprived, usually cranky, sometimes overwhelmed heart totally melts for her.

Lilly makes me Happy!

While I was perusing the Garnet Hill website the other day to see if the new Lilly line was something I absolutely needed or not, turns out it's not anything I NEED, I did stumble upone their sale page and found the bedding and shower curtain that I fell in love with last year, or whenever it came out.  Usually I'm pretty cheap about the shower curtain, hello TJMaxx, but how could I resist such a beauty for $9?!  NINE dollars!  The bedding was super cheap as well so I just couldn't resist and know it will make me love the bedroom this spring when I break out my purchases.  Plus, the more I thought about it, though I love all those Lilly styles I lusted after a few posts ago we just don't have the extra cash right now to buy those lovelies, so they will have to wait.  Plus the new season collection should be out soon, so maybe I'll find something I need just a bit more.  Check out Garnet Hill though, because you can find some great buys!  Unfortunately, the shower curtain is sold out.

 

 

Mommy needs some wine and a valium

Today was a bad day.  My sweet girl is back to wanting to be carried everywhere or directly under my feet and I'm too busy either juggling her in my arms or making sure I don't trip over her to get anything done.  So, then I leave the house to get a little change of scenery and she has meltdowns everywhere we go.  I'm not talking a little crying scene I'm talking full out collapsing on the floor, sobbing screeching screams that today prompted the ladies at the fabric store to assist me with her.  I'm all gee, thanks, glad I could be your charity case today when in all reality she needed lunch and a nap, both of which they couldn't provide and at that moment neither could I.  And that makes me a fabulous mom, right?  Or at least that's how it feels when strangers are watching you and helping you battle your toddler.

Add onto that the whining that occurs all.day.long. and you can only imagine the type of day I had.  Poor Phil came home late and I had her bathed, fed, and sleeping by 6:45 but it was totally necessary for my sanity.  She is such a lovely person and I continue to be amazed by the ways she grows and learns and imitates daily.  Then we have days like today which I ventured to call as bad as those infant days to which Phil simply replies "Ohhhhh, I'm sorry."  Because the sheer thought of those days sends both of us into flashbacks you can only imagine.  {pretty great birth control, though} 

Today, her new word was "queen" and it is absolutely fitting for her mood today.  Really, it's fitting for her mood always, but I don't want to break her of that because I think it will serve her well in life.  She is growing up in such a harsh world compared to what I grew up in and I believe her qualities will get her far in life with a whole lot less heartache.  She is truly the queen.

But in all seriousness, those infant days with her, specifically the first 6 weeks were hell.  Total hell on not just me and Phil, but also on my Mom who was right by my side daily and also my Daddy who had to fend for himself while my Mom helped me.  It was a total group effort and the only reason I survived without the trip to the hospital I was guaranteed if not for treating my depression prior to Lucy's arrival.  As her days got better so did mine, obviously, and we finally arrived at a stage that was fun and easier.  Much easier.  But when we have days like today when she just wants me to carry her around and my back is killing me and every muscle in my shoulders is tight and she is whining and screaming and screeching and SCREAMING with giant alligator tears it makes me crazy.  The crazy returns and I cry along with her because that overwhelming feeling of being overwhelmed returns and I just don't know what else to do.  So we cry together and I snuggle with her and eventually it passes.  I get my shit together and we continue on with our day but going back to that moment with her makes me so glad to not have a newborn right now.  I'm assuming as that feeling fades maybe I'll be ready to do it all over again, but for now I'll take the little person at my feet whining and looking at me all confused as I ask her if it's too early for Mommy to have a glass of wine?

And I look at these pictures from this morning reminding me how quickly she is growing and learning to be Mommy's little helper!  I love her so much.



Lucy reads at her big girl table!





Lucy helps with the laundry!

She's the best, whiny, teething, screeching girl ever.  She's perfect.

I hate Goals

I've never been a goal oriented person.  I see something I want and I achieve it.  Cut and dry.  Very simple.  I realize that the process by which that is accomplished is part of the "goal" but I just don't think of it that way.  Same with resolutions.  I used to make them each new year and about 7 days in I was done and back to my old ways not to mention it was always the same thing--to lose weight, though there was never a planned process by which I would actually implement changes into my life to make the goal a reality, so I always ditched that "resolution" fairly quickly.

This year I feel slightly different about it.  I don't think of these things as goals or resolutions.  More like improvements in my life than some statement of what I want.  So without further ado I'd like to share my foci for the year. 

Read.  Yeah, the first focus is that simple.  I hate reading.  Always have.  But Lucy loves books.  LOVES books and I love that for her.  So I have come to love shopping for new books, looking at the new books with her, and watching her enjoying her books.  I really feel that if I am going to foster her love for books and hopefully extend that to reading, she needs to see that I love books too.  Like it's something natural around our household.  While this may not be a big thing for most people it's big for me, so I'm giving it a whirl.

Eat Mindfully.  Yes, I need to lose weight.  Who doesn't? But my greater focus is learning what types of foods make my body more healthy and feel better, more energetic.  The result of that will hopefully be weight loss, however if I'm going to teach my daughter how to make good for you food choices then I need to know how to do that myself.  Phil and I are on a doctor supervised diet plan and this is really helping me to understand food as fuel instead of simply something that tastes good.  It's a lifestyle change, but for a greater good than just weightloss.

Reach out.  Meet new people and new opportunities.  Make new friends.  Pretty simple.  And even if we have the same friends at the end of this year as when we started the year the attempt to get outside of our comfort box needs to at least be made!

There are some other things in my mind but these are the front runners right now.  I'll leave these thoughts fluid with the right reserved to change my mind at any given time.  ;)  I'm my boss' worst nightmare.  He asks for my goals and I tell him I don't have any.  If I see something I want to do I just do it.  There is no action plan, it just gets done.  If I decide I want to do something in the future I'll let him know.  You should see my performance evaluations in the goal section!  It's pretty laughable but then again, he's used to me by now.

Let's see what 2011 has in store for me!

Must Resist...

I have been dying to go to the local Lilly Pulitzer store lately.  It's been an urge I've fought now for about 2 weeks and I'm not sure I can hold out much longer.  The local store keeps posting facebook updates about how the new line is in and hanging and the fall line is on super sale.  Last night I shopped online and was moments away from just ordering my lovelies, but since the store is here now I could just go across town and pick out the items myself and have them in my little fingers the same day!! 

Let's see how much longer I hold out on these beauties.

Oh, I die at the loveliness.  What could possibly make you happier? Oh, wait this.

Mommy and Minnie!  I think this year Lucy's Lilly will match Mommy.  Stay tuned!

Rearview Mirror--part 2

Have you ever been completely out of control of your emotions and reactions to people and situations?  You could rationally tell yourself that you are, in fact, being ridiculous while simultaneously be screaming at whatever poor soul crossed your path at any given moment.  It was the most surreal feeling to know I was acting irrationally and crazy, and I don't use the crazy word lightly, but that's exactly how I acted.  My poor husband walked on eggshells around me.  He couldn't say anything right and bless his heart he did everything in his power to be patient with me and relieve me of chores or whatever he could to make my pregnant life easier.  Unfortunately, I knew that and it made me even angrier that I couldn't just be glowing and pregnant and grateful for the wonderful husband and baby that God had given me.  And if that makes sense at all to you, my anger made me angrier. 

I could feel it.  I was agitated all the time.  At work, at home, when I was doing things that otherwise would make me happy, ALL THE TIME.  I couldn't escape it despite my tries.  My parents would come visit me and we would lunch and shop and I would bite their heads off then apologize for my behavior.  It was embarassing and that made me angrier.  And more agitated.  I would ruin the visit so much I said to my Mom one time "why do you even come visit me?  I'm so miserable to be around" and of course the amazing mother she is she simply told me that she loved me anyway and that she understood that I was moody.  And that's what I convinced myself I was.  Moody.  Not depressed.  I wasn't sad I couldn't possibly be depressed.

I read several pregnancy books while I was pregnant.  I wanted to know what to expect so I would know if anything outside of normal happened.  I wanted to have a natural birth experience without drugs and without a c-section.  I needed knowledge to do these things and my Mom and friends provided me with enough references to keep me busy.  I had a book that kept track of the weeks of pregnancy you were in and detailed what happened with your growing fetus and your body and emotions during that week.  I was always careful not to read ahead because I wanted to know specifically what was happenening that week and would always have next week to look forward to.  Then the chapter that changed the course of my pregnancy happened.  Intrapartum Depression.  I didn't even know it existed.  And yet it described exactly how I felt.  Right there in front of me.  Intrapartum Depression.  I think I read that section of the chapter for the week several times as if I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Surely it couldn't be me.  I was just having a bad week.  But it had gone on for a little longer than a week.  Ok, a lot longer than a week.  Shit.

Nervous to say it out loud like it was some kind of death sentence if spoken I casually mentioned to my husband that I was reading my book and in the course of relaying what was going on with our baby that week I said I think I may have what's called "Intrapartum Depression".  Then I quickly listed all the reasons why I didn't think it could apply to me as if I was taking it back.  I said the words now I wanted them erased from time as if I never said them.  Meanwhile, his eyes lit up like it was Christmas at the prospect that maybe there was hope for living a peaceful exsistance with his batshit crazy pregnant wife.  He came with me to the next OB appointment.  Actually, he drove like a mad man across town and ran into the exam room while I waited for the doctor exclaiming "did I miss it?"  I didn't know at the time why he was so eager to be there.

My doctor is amazing.  And when she asked if I had any issues to talk about I quickly said No!  I'm good, thanks!  Then Phil spoke up.  Didn't you want to ask her about the depression.  Of course that perked her ears and I explained I had read some book and thought maybe I had some intrapartum depression, but that I was feeling better now.  She explained that it was up to me if I wanted to go on meds or not.  Only I knew how I was feeling.  Phil spoke up and said yes, she needs the meds.  I started crying.  Then she knew it was for serious.  She told me that I didn't have to take them.  I could wait and see how I felt, but that they wouldn't hurt the baby.  And if I had untreated depression during my pregnancy I would definitely be in the category of women that would be hospitalized for treatment of Post Partum Depression.  It doesn't get better after the baby if you have Intrapartum Depression.  It gets worse.  And then you have a newborn that you have to be away from and you have to be hospitalized to regain your ability to function. 

I wasn't mad at Phil for talking to her about my crazy, as we call it.  I was a little relieved.  And I had the prescription that I dropped off at the pharmacy the next day.  I didn't pick it up.  I can just get over this myself.  I can really.  I'm just going to focus and bond with my fetus and I'm going to do this without meds poisoning my baby.  And then Friday happened.  I was frantic all day.  Woke up frantic.  Lounged around frantic.  Got dressed for the day frantic.  Decided to hang some pictures and things frantic.  I couldn't find a hammer so I found something really heavy, that would do to hang these things on the wall next to the front door.  Damn, I hit my finger.  Keep going, oh, that's crooked.  Oh well, can't fix it now.  Gotta keep hammering.  Damn, this isn't working very well.  Crash, that one hit the floor.  Shit.  Keep going you're almost done.  Hammer hammer hammer.  I stopped hammering, so what is that on the other side of the door?  Hammer hammer.  Fling the door open.  What the hell are you doing home, Phil?  I throw the item I'm hanging and stop just before I start hammering away on the bare walls.  You haven't started your meds have you?  No.  We're going to pick them up now.

Phil had come home early to a hot mess of a wife and within inches of having the piss beat out of him with my heavy object instead of a hammer.  He was excited to get the weekend started early with me and instead I was the hottest mess he'd ever seen me be.  We got dressed for an early dinner.  It was raining.  He took me to the pharmacy and I didn't protest as I knew it would do no good.  We got the prescription.  I clung to the bag for a few minutes not wanting to open it.  If I opened it my fate was sealed as suffering from Intrapartum Depression, as if the incident a couple hours before hadn't done that already.  I took the bottle out of the bag and read every word on every sticker on the bottle.  I studied it like a law student about the take the Bar Exam.  As we got on the interstate on our way to the restaurant, I swallowed my first pill.  I cried.

And the things I was hanging on the wall next to our front door were words from our wedding.  Three silver words that lay on the cake table.  Faith.  Hope.  Love.

Teeth!

Nothing with Lucy has been easy.  Except brushing her teeth.  She loves it and usually cries when you're done to the point that I just give her the brush and let her do it herself for a few more minutes.  She even has a tooth brush she plays with in her play area, walks around with it brushing her teeth at any given moment, goes to the store with it, ridiculous.  What's the trick?  This.  Now if I could find a Yo Gabba Gabba sippy we might have a chance of getting out of this no bottle hell we are currently trapped in.

Rearview Mirror--part 1

The way I see it, in order to move ahead you need to reflect on where you have been.  So in order for me to embrace the new year I'm reflecting on the most challenging year of my LIFE and figured in order to understand where I am now you need understand where I've been.  Some of my friends know about my struggles while I was pregnant with Lucy, but so many don't.  Since this blog is so new, I want to go ahead and address that now so there is no misunderstandings of my posts later on.  Here goes.

Approximately 5 years ago I was sitting in the Emergency Room with excruiciating abdominal pain that wasn't appendicitis but otherwise couldn't be diagnosed.  I tried to make an appointment with my regular OB doctor but the office informed me that there wasn't a soul in the office that could see me and my pain that day and if I was in that bad of a way I just needed to go to the ER.  In the ER room, I sat all by myself because I convinced my now husband that he didn't need to be there, the warm and sensitive ER physician informed me that "something is wrong with you or something is wrong with him, but you will need fertility treatments to concieve and if you aren't attempting to concieve right now then just keep doing what you're doing, but eventually you may want to get checked out."  Wow.  I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was 15, but didn't know anything about it or what it could mean for future fertility and my body.  This same doctor told me my pain was probably from my PCOS and it would just eventually go away. I left the ER that night and found a new OB that diagnosed my ruptured ovarian cyst rather quickly after it occurred again a couple months later and began treating my PCOS with Metformin.  Regardless, I spent the next 5 years convinced we were never having children.  My husband and I talked about it often, especially before we got married so that it wouldn't be an issue later.  We were ok with it and agreed to cross that bridge when the time came.  I was no less silently crushed at the possibility that I wouldn't ever be a Mom.

My friends became pregnant.  I read message boards about pregnancy.  I almost became consumed with it.  Nobody knew.  It was my secret pain.  I was always happy for the newly pregnant one and played off that I was happy it wasn't me if ever asked.   Secretly I always had a spare tear available if I thought about it too much so I tried not to dwell in my sorrow of potential infertility.  It's not like achieving pregnancy is something you can see if you are good at without having any repurcussions.  You can't take it for a test drive to see if the ER doctor was right or just an uncaring bitch who didn't know anything.  Turns out my body was fine.  And the doctor I still can picture.  And I think she's a stupid bitch for causing so much grief in my life that was unnecessary.  For years.

The month after my husband and I got married we started a diet together.  In the next couple of months we lost 25 pounds, well I lost 25 pounds, he lost more like 50 and the brain tumor I diagnosed myself with as well as the "side effects" of the diet medication turned out to be a surprise and totally unplanned fetus.  We were floored. 

I don't even think there is a word for how utterly shocked we were to find out that two people who would need fertility treatments were having a baby, without any assistance of the human variety.  We shared our news, after 12 weeks, because I just knew something would be wrong and I would miscarry.  We celebrated our 12 week milestone at my best friend's wedding and I took a deep breath for the first time since we discovered our pregnancy.  I don't think it had really sunk in yet that I was going to be a mother to an actual baby because I was in a heightened panic nearly constantly thinking about what types of birth defects our baby could have.  I would worry so much I just had to stop thinking about it or I would never think about anything else.  It was as much of a huge fear as how there isn't a word for how shocked we were to discover our pregnancy.  There was no word other than consuming.  In those moments when I would be excited for our baby I would always be jolted back by those thoughts.  And since everyone thought I was crazy to even think about our baby not being perfect I became agitated that everyone dismissed the very real possibility.  And the agitation built.  Not slowly so I could manage it, it just showed up one day and moved into my body.  And the agitation was HORRIBLE.

And I was angry.  Angry at the ER doctor who required I believe I was infertile and that having a baby would be a struggle for my husband and I.  Angry that we spent all that time talking about how we would feel if we never were able to have a baby that was genetically ours.  Angry that I ever felt the emotions of infertility since I had never been officially diagnosed with it and angry that I knew all of the horrible things PCOS could do to your body.  Angry at my fertility.  Angry. and Agitated. and 2nd trimester pregnant.