I'll be your caregiver this evening, you can call me "Tired"

So it's been forever and two days since I have updated anything but sometimes I just have so much in front of me, I can't seem to keep up. 

School is going fabulously.  I am really enjoying it and while I wish I was done already, only in my 3rd week, I am learning alot and find it interesting.  Plus, I love the format online which is really working for me.  Very time consuming, but I'm working it in and just seem to have less free time, but I never really had any anyway so no big deal.

Phil finally got back to work after his biceps repair via worker's comp. and then on Thursday crushed his big toe while at work.  Like the skin tissue is so badly damaged they predict he will lose it and they had to drill 3 holes in his toenail to relieve some of the pressure from the swelling to prevent compartment syndrome and the eventual amputation of his toe.  Seriously.  Who has a broken toe so badly crushed they tell you at the emergency clinic that you could need your toe amputated?  Phil, that's who.

Then there's my house which is so cluttered because apparently the "free time" I previously referred to was actually my cleaning time.  It's fairly overwhelming and I'm about 2 seconds away from breaking down and hiring a cleaning person to give me a little help around here.

I chose a profession in which my entire day at work is dedicated to caring for people.  Be it my patients, the doctor, management, or families my entire being is forced to give my all while I'm at work because that's what my patients deserve and what I believe will come back to me should my family ever be in a hospital setting.  It's exhausting. 

I come home to a perfect little being whom I adore and whom also requires all of my time and attention.  A little person who really doesn't nap and stays up at night with me until I have to just leave her in her room sometimes while she is awake and unhappy.  I am done with the day and just need a little break, which makes me feel like I'm not giving her my best, though I know that's not true.  I don't think we ever feel like "enough" for our babies.  It's exhausting.

At any given moment I have 259 various things in my head that I need to tend to, address, rectify, or otherwise devote just a few moments.  I have become so good at prioritizing it's obscene because I just simply can't do everything and certainly can't be everything to everyone.  But I have a husband that deserves at least the best his wife can give him and I know I don't rise to the occasion sometimes.  It's exhausting.

I used to play that silly game on my phone where you create this island resort and clean up after your guests and appease them when they are dissatisfied.  I thought it was super fun.  Then I found myself getting mad at the imaginary people on my imaginary island because they threw their imaginary trash all over and then had the balls to be dissatisfied with their accommodations to where I had to make them happy by buying them drinks.  WTF?  I was MAD at IMAGINARY guests on my island.  And that's when I deleted the game because I care for enough people and things in reality that you won't find me farming or building resorts or caring for virtual barnyard animals or zoo critters. 

Sometimes 24 hours in a day isn't enough and I need to be 3 people just to get it all done.  I'm learning what is important and what to let go.  Keyword learning.  But it's super hard and sometimes all I need is 2 hours to myself to just have silence.  I know my friends get it.  And I know some of you are struggling just like me to be everything to everyone and to feel like you are the best mom and wife ever.  So, to all of you, I want to say you are doing a great job, keep it up.  Because sometimes all we need is a little support, encouragement, and the knowledge that you aren't alone in the life struggles!