The blogging hiatus

I'm what, a month, back to blogging and I disappear for two weeks.  Totally not my intention when I started this whole deal.  Anyway, Lucy was going through a difficult period lending to not a whole lot of sleep and therefore not a whole lot of patience.  Plus we started disciplining her in a more consistant manner and for at least the first week that didn't go well AT ALL.  But now we are at least getting in the hang of it, so it's going better.  Throw a few eye teeth on top of it and the Norris household has been rather unpleasant.  Oh, and Phil has been working about 60 hours a week, so not a whole lot of help there either.

This month was the 1 year anniversary of Lucy's christening and the perfect time to add a beautiful cross to our home.  If I had a super tall ladder I would have an entire collection in the vaulted area of our living room, but since I don't I have to be aware of my cross purchases.  By the time I went to hang the newest addition I already broke it so no picture until I get it fixed and placed on the wall.  I think crosses are beautiful and the perfect decor for my surroundings.  It helps me on days that I am so overwhelmed or generally agitated to look around and know I have a Higher power that is in charge. 

Coinciding with Lucy's newest difficult self, I found this wall plaque and it just fit perfectly.  It reminds me that God created Lucy perfectly and has great plans for her, so when I am up to my eyeballs due to the lack of sleep and her spirited personality, she is going to do big things through Him. 

This week has gone much better around here, except for the sleeping part, but I'm hoping as the teething part calms down that will as well.  I firmly believe if you have a poor sleeper and that is just their pattern, you can plan and adjust to the middle of the night wake ups and exhaustion but if you have a usually great sleeper at night and then you toss in an intermittent wake up call mid sleep cycle and only every other day, or everyday, then every two days you just can never adjust to that and that leads to crazy, crazy Mom.  At least this Mom!

I hope your week has gone better and that ours continues on the right path.  She is such an amazing little person and totally perfect to me.  How can you be annoyed with someone who wakes up in the middle of the night, somehow finds the remote control amidst the blankets, turns on the tv, and then waits for you to wake up to greet you with "Hi!" like she's been waiting alllll day for you!  Or when she says "cracker please" which really sounds more like "cacka peeese"?  My sleep deprived, usually cranky, sometimes overwhelmed heart totally melts for her.

Lilly makes me Happy!

While I was perusing the Garnet Hill website the other day to see if the new Lilly line was something I absolutely needed or not, turns out it's not anything I NEED, I did stumble upone their sale page and found the bedding and shower curtain that I fell in love with last year, or whenever it came out.  Usually I'm pretty cheap about the shower curtain, hello TJMaxx, but how could I resist such a beauty for $9?!  NINE dollars!  The bedding was super cheap as well so I just couldn't resist and know it will make me love the bedroom this spring when I break out my purchases.  Plus, the more I thought about it, though I love all those Lilly styles I lusted after a few posts ago we just don't have the extra cash right now to buy those lovelies, so they will have to wait.  Plus the new season collection should be out soon, so maybe I'll find something I need just a bit more.  Check out Garnet Hill though, because you can find some great buys!  Unfortunately, the shower curtain is sold out.

 

 

Mommy needs some wine and a valium

Today was a bad day.  My sweet girl is back to wanting to be carried everywhere or directly under my feet and I'm too busy either juggling her in my arms or making sure I don't trip over her to get anything done.  So, then I leave the house to get a little change of scenery and she has meltdowns everywhere we go.  I'm not talking a little crying scene I'm talking full out collapsing on the floor, sobbing screeching screams that today prompted the ladies at the fabric store to assist me with her.  I'm all gee, thanks, glad I could be your charity case today when in all reality she needed lunch and a nap, both of which they couldn't provide and at that moment neither could I.  And that makes me a fabulous mom, right?  Or at least that's how it feels when strangers are watching you and helping you battle your toddler.

Add onto that the whining that occurs all.day.long. and you can only imagine the type of day I had.  Poor Phil came home late and I had her bathed, fed, and sleeping by 6:45 but it was totally necessary for my sanity.  She is such a lovely person and I continue to be amazed by the ways she grows and learns and imitates daily.  Then we have days like today which I ventured to call as bad as those infant days to which Phil simply replies "Ohhhhh, I'm sorry."  Because the sheer thought of those days sends both of us into flashbacks you can only imagine.  {pretty great birth control, though} 

Today, her new word was "queen" and it is absolutely fitting for her mood today.  Really, it's fitting for her mood always, but I don't want to break her of that because I think it will serve her well in life.  She is growing up in such a harsh world compared to what I grew up in and I believe her qualities will get her far in life with a whole lot less heartache.  She is truly the queen.

But in all seriousness, those infant days with her, specifically the first 6 weeks were hell.  Total hell on not just me and Phil, but also on my Mom who was right by my side daily and also my Daddy who had to fend for himself while my Mom helped me.  It was a total group effort and the only reason I survived without the trip to the hospital I was guaranteed if not for treating my depression prior to Lucy's arrival.  As her days got better so did mine, obviously, and we finally arrived at a stage that was fun and easier.  Much easier.  But when we have days like today when she just wants me to carry her around and my back is killing me and every muscle in my shoulders is tight and she is whining and screaming and screeching and SCREAMING with giant alligator tears it makes me crazy.  The crazy returns and I cry along with her because that overwhelming feeling of being overwhelmed returns and I just don't know what else to do.  So we cry together and I snuggle with her and eventually it passes.  I get my shit together and we continue on with our day but going back to that moment with her makes me so glad to not have a newborn right now.  I'm assuming as that feeling fades maybe I'll be ready to do it all over again, but for now I'll take the little person at my feet whining and looking at me all confused as I ask her if it's too early for Mommy to have a glass of wine?

And I look at these pictures from this morning reminding me how quickly she is growing and learning to be Mommy's little helper!  I love her so much.



Lucy reads at her big girl table!





Lucy helps with the laundry!

She's the best, whiny, teething, screeching girl ever.  She's perfect.

I hate Goals

I've never been a goal oriented person.  I see something I want and I achieve it.  Cut and dry.  Very simple.  I realize that the process by which that is accomplished is part of the "goal" but I just don't think of it that way.  Same with resolutions.  I used to make them each new year and about 7 days in I was done and back to my old ways not to mention it was always the same thing--to lose weight, though there was never a planned process by which I would actually implement changes into my life to make the goal a reality, so I always ditched that "resolution" fairly quickly.

This year I feel slightly different about it.  I don't think of these things as goals or resolutions.  More like improvements in my life than some statement of what I want.  So without further ado I'd like to share my foci for the year. 

Read.  Yeah, the first focus is that simple.  I hate reading.  Always have.  But Lucy loves books.  LOVES books and I love that for her.  So I have come to love shopping for new books, looking at the new books with her, and watching her enjoying her books.  I really feel that if I am going to foster her love for books and hopefully extend that to reading, she needs to see that I love books too.  Like it's something natural around our household.  While this may not be a big thing for most people it's big for me, so I'm giving it a whirl.

Eat Mindfully.  Yes, I need to lose weight.  Who doesn't? But my greater focus is learning what types of foods make my body more healthy and feel better, more energetic.  The result of that will hopefully be weight loss, however if I'm going to teach my daughter how to make good for you food choices then I need to know how to do that myself.  Phil and I are on a doctor supervised diet plan and this is really helping me to understand food as fuel instead of simply something that tastes good.  It's a lifestyle change, but for a greater good than just weightloss.

Reach out.  Meet new people and new opportunities.  Make new friends.  Pretty simple.  And even if we have the same friends at the end of this year as when we started the year the attempt to get outside of our comfort box needs to at least be made!

There are some other things in my mind but these are the front runners right now.  I'll leave these thoughts fluid with the right reserved to change my mind at any given time.  ;)  I'm my boss' worst nightmare.  He asks for my goals and I tell him I don't have any.  If I see something I want to do I just do it.  There is no action plan, it just gets done.  If I decide I want to do something in the future I'll let him know.  You should see my performance evaluations in the goal section!  It's pretty laughable but then again, he's used to me by now.

Let's see what 2011 has in store for me!

Must Resist...

I have been dying to go to the local Lilly Pulitzer store lately.  It's been an urge I've fought now for about 2 weeks and I'm not sure I can hold out much longer.  The local store keeps posting facebook updates about how the new line is in and hanging and the fall line is on super sale.  Last night I shopped online and was moments away from just ordering my lovelies, but since the store is here now I could just go across town and pick out the items myself and have them in my little fingers the same day!! 

Let's see how much longer I hold out on these beauties.

Oh, I die at the loveliness.  What could possibly make you happier? Oh, wait this.

Mommy and Minnie!  I think this year Lucy's Lilly will match Mommy.  Stay tuned!

Rearview Mirror--part 2

Have you ever been completely out of control of your emotions and reactions to people and situations?  You could rationally tell yourself that you are, in fact, being ridiculous while simultaneously be screaming at whatever poor soul crossed your path at any given moment.  It was the most surreal feeling to know I was acting irrationally and crazy, and I don't use the crazy word lightly, but that's exactly how I acted.  My poor husband walked on eggshells around me.  He couldn't say anything right and bless his heart he did everything in his power to be patient with me and relieve me of chores or whatever he could to make my pregnant life easier.  Unfortunately, I knew that and it made me even angrier that I couldn't just be glowing and pregnant and grateful for the wonderful husband and baby that God had given me.  And if that makes sense at all to you, my anger made me angrier. 

I could feel it.  I was agitated all the time.  At work, at home, when I was doing things that otherwise would make me happy, ALL THE TIME.  I couldn't escape it despite my tries.  My parents would come visit me and we would lunch and shop and I would bite their heads off then apologize for my behavior.  It was embarassing and that made me angrier.  And more agitated.  I would ruin the visit so much I said to my Mom one time "why do you even come visit me?  I'm so miserable to be around" and of course the amazing mother she is she simply told me that she loved me anyway and that she understood that I was moody.  And that's what I convinced myself I was.  Moody.  Not depressed.  I wasn't sad I couldn't possibly be depressed.

I read several pregnancy books while I was pregnant.  I wanted to know what to expect so I would know if anything outside of normal happened.  I wanted to have a natural birth experience without drugs and without a c-section.  I needed knowledge to do these things and my Mom and friends provided me with enough references to keep me busy.  I had a book that kept track of the weeks of pregnancy you were in and detailed what happened with your growing fetus and your body and emotions during that week.  I was always careful not to read ahead because I wanted to know specifically what was happenening that week and would always have next week to look forward to.  Then the chapter that changed the course of my pregnancy happened.  Intrapartum Depression.  I didn't even know it existed.  And yet it described exactly how I felt.  Right there in front of me.  Intrapartum Depression.  I think I read that section of the chapter for the week several times as if I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Surely it couldn't be me.  I was just having a bad week.  But it had gone on for a little longer than a week.  Ok, a lot longer than a week.  Shit.

Nervous to say it out loud like it was some kind of death sentence if spoken I casually mentioned to my husband that I was reading my book and in the course of relaying what was going on with our baby that week I said I think I may have what's called "Intrapartum Depression".  Then I quickly listed all the reasons why I didn't think it could apply to me as if I was taking it back.  I said the words now I wanted them erased from time as if I never said them.  Meanwhile, his eyes lit up like it was Christmas at the prospect that maybe there was hope for living a peaceful exsistance with his batshit crazy pregnant wife.  He came with me to the next OB appointment.  Actually, he drove like a mad man across town and ran into the exam room while I waited for the doctor exclaiming "did I miss it?"  I didn't know at the time why he was so eager to be there.

My doctor is amazing.  And when she asked if I had any issues to talk about I quickly said No!  I'm good, thanks!  Then Phil spoke up.  Didn't you want to ask her about the depression.  Of course that perked her ears and I explained I had read some book and thought maybe I had some intrapartum depression, but that I was feeling better now.  She explained that it was up to me if I wanted to go on meds or not.  Only I knew how I was feeling.  Phil spoke up and said yes, she needs the meds.  I started crying.  Then she knew it was for serious.  She told me that I didn't have to take them.  I could wait and see how I felt, but that they wouldn't hurt the baby.  And if I had untreated depression during my pregnancy I would definitely be in the category of women that would be hospitalized for treatment of Post Partum Depression.  It doesn't get better after the baby if you have Intrapartum Depression.  It gets worse.  And then you have a newborn that you have to be away from and you have to be hospitalized to regain your ability to function. 

I wasn't mad at Phil for talking to her about my crazy, as we call it.  I was a little relieved.  And I had the prescription that I dropped off at the pharmacy the next day.  I didn't pick it up.  I can just get over this myself.  I can really.  I'm just going to focus and bond with my fetus and I'm going to do this without meds poisoning my baby.  And then Friday happened.  I was frantic all day.  Woke up frantic.  Lounged around frantic.  Got dressed for the day frantic.  Decided to hang some pictures and things frantic.  I couldn't find a hammer so I found something really heavy, that would do to hang these things on the wall next to the front door.  Damn, I hit my finger.  Keep going, oh, that's crooked.  Oh well, can't fix it now.  Gotta keep hammering.  Damn, this isn't working very well.  Crash, that one hit the floor.  Shit.  Keep going you're almost done.  Hammer hammer hammer.  I stopped hammering, so what is that on the other side of the door?  Hammer hammer.  Fling the door open.  What the hell are you doing home, Phil?  I throw the item I'm hanging and stop just before I start hammering away on the bare walls.  You haven't started your meds have you?  No.  We're going to pick them up now.

Phil had come home early to a hot mess of a wife and within inches of having the piss beat out of him with my heavy object instead of a hammer.  He was excited to get the weekend started early with me and instead I was the hottest mess he'd ever seen me be.  We got dressed for an early dinner.  It was raining.  He took me to the pharmacy and I didn't protest as I knew it would do no good.  We got the prescription.  I clung to the bag for a few minutes not wanting to open it.  If I opened it my fate was sealed as suffering from Intrapartum Depression, as if the incident a couple hours before hadn't done that already.  I took the bottle out of the bag and read every word on every sticker on the bottle.  I studied it like a law student about the take the Bar Exam.  As we got on the interstate on our way to the restaurant, I swallowed my first pill.  I cried.

And the things I was hanging on the wall next to our front door were words from our wedding.  Three silver words that lay on the cake table.  Faith.  Hope.  Love.

Teeth!

Nothing with Lucy has been easy.  Except brushing her teeth.  She loves it and usually cries when you're done to the point that I just give her the brush and let her do it herself for a few more minutes.  She even has a tooth brush she plays with in her play area, walks around with it brushing her teeth at any given moment, goes to the store with it, ridiculous.  What's the trick?  This.  Now if I could find a Yo Gabba Gabba sippy we might have a chance of getting out of this no bottle hell we are currently trapped in.

Rearview Mirror--part 1

The way I see it, in order to move ahead you need to reflect on where you have been.  So in order for me to embrace the new year I'm reflecting on the most challenging year of my LIFE and figured in order to understand where I am now you need understand where I've been.  Some of my friends know about my struggles while I was pregnant with Lucy, but so many don't.  Since this blog is so new, I want to go ahead and address that now so there is no misunderstandings of my posts later on.  Here goes.

Approximately 5 years ago I was sitting in the Emergency Room with excruiciating abdominal pain that wasn't appendicitis but otherwise couldn't be diagnosed.  I tried to make an appointment with my regular OB doctor but the office informed me that there wasn't a soul in the office that could see me and my pain that day and if I was in that bad of a way I just needed to go to the ER.  In the ER room, I sat all by myself because I convinced my now husband that he didn't need to be there, the warm and sensitive ER physician informed me that "something is wrong with you or something is wrong with him, but you will need fertility treatments to concieve and if you aren't attempting to concieve right now then just keep doing what you're doing, but eventually you may want to get checked out."  Wow.  I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was 15, but didn't know anything about it or what it could mean for future fertility and my body.  This same doctor told me my pain was probably from my PCOS and it would just eventually go away. I left the ER that night and found a new OB that diagnosed my ruptured ovarian cyst rather quickly after it occurred again a couple months later and began treating my PCOS with Metformin.  Regardless, I spent the next 5 years convinced we were never having children.  My husband and I talked about it often, especially before we got married so that it wouldn't be an issue later.  We were ok with it and agreed to cross that bridge when the time came.  I was no less silently crushed at the possibility that I wouldn't ever be a Mom.

My friends became pregnant.  I read message boards about pregnancy.  I almost became consumed with it.  Nobody knew.  It was my secret pain.  I was always happy for the newly pregnant one and played off that I was happy it wasn't me if ever asked.   Secretly I always had a spare tear available if I thought about it too much so I tried not to dwell in my sorrow of potential infertility.  It's not like achieving pregnancy is something you can see if you are good at without having any repurcussions.  You can't take it for a test drive to see if the ER doctor was right or just an uncaring bitch who didn't know anything.  Turns out my body was fine.  And the doctor I still can picture.  And I think she's a stupid bitch for causing so much grief in my life that was unnecessary.  For years.

The month after my husband and I got married we started a diet together.  In the next couple of months we lost 25 pounds, well I lost 25 pounds, he lost more like 50 and the brain tumor I diagnosed myself with as well as the "side effects" of the diet medication turned out to be a surprise and totally unplanned fetus.  We were floored. 

I don't even think there is a word for how utterly shocked we were to find out that two people who would need fertility treatments were having a baby, without any assistance of the human variety.  We shared our news, after 12 weeks, because I just knew something would be wrong and I would miscarry.  We celebrated our 12 week milestone at my best friend's wedding and I took a deep breath for the first time since we discovered our pregnancy.  I don't think it had really sunk in yet that I was going to be a mother to an actual baby because I was in a heightened panic nearly constantly thinking about what types of birth defects our baby could have.  I would worry so much I just had to stop thinking about it or I would never think about anything else.  It was as much of a huge fear as how there isn't a word for how shocked we were to discover our pregnancy.  There was no word other than consuming.  In those moments when I would be excited for our baby I would always be jolted back by those thoughts.  And since everyone thought I was crazy to even think about our baby not being perfect I became agitated that everyone dismissed the very real possibility.  And the agitation built.  Not slowly so I could manage it, it just showed up one day and moved into my body.  And the agitation was HORRIBLE.

And I was angry.  Angry at the ER doctor who required I believe I was infertile and that having a baby would be a struggle for my husband and I.  Angry that we spent all that time talking about how we would feel if we never were able to have a baby that was genetically ours.  Angry that I ever felt the emotions of infertility since I had never been officially diagnosed with it and angry that I knew all of the horrible things PCOS could do to your body.  Angry at my fertility.  Angry. and Agitated. and 2nd trimester pregnant.