$5 small carton of OJ, gimme 2 please!

The Farmer's Market is something I've always loved going to.  I remember when I was a child my parents would go and we picked out fresh beans, okra, spinach, tomatoes, onions.  I can still smell the sweet smell of the fresh fruits and veggies and remember being super excited about that night's meal when we would cook and enjoy our purchases.  The people selling the goods were so interesting and friendly.  I could go on and on about how great it was.  Plus, in Inverness there were an abundance of little fruit stands, orange groves, and strawberry fields so fresh foods were not something you had to look too hard to locate.

A couple years ago I discovered the downtown Gainesville farmer's market and LOVED going.  They sold delicious lemonade to drink while you shopped, home made pastries, huge bunches of beautiful flowers, and of course fruits and veggies.  I even bought some raw milk one time, and I say one time because I hate milk and Phil wasn't a huge enough fan to justify the extreme cost.  The major, and I mean major, downside for me shopping at the market was the people.  The folks selling the items weren't tremendously friendly and the people that shopped there were very, um, green.  Like don't bathe kind of green.  Like hairy armpits kind of green.  TOTALLY not me.  And honestly the tight quarters and the nasty people discouraged me from shopping there so I stopped going. 

The market ended up getting so large they moved it to the area next to the courthouse.  Around the same time organic became all the rage, so the goods you were buying at the farmer's market was about twice the amount you would pay at the store.  Making the location even better was the fact you had to shop with the town's homeless population, so really there was no draw for me anymore even with the new "open air" feel.  Anyway you looked at it you were shopping with people that hadn't showered in, what, weeks?  And let me just take a moment to say, if you are au naturale about your hygeine then good for you.  I'm probably not your friend, but if you stumbled upon my little corner of life here I just have to say one thing.  If you don't bathe because you somehow think you are cleaner without the chemicals in soaps or the harsh chlorine treated water--you are WRONG.  You smell bad and perhaps should consider living in a state that isn't sweltering hot and humid approximately 10 months of the year. 

Here's my point.  I went to the downtown market yesterday in search of fresh veggies and fruit.  I left with some tomatoes and a small bag of new potatoes.  Drank some delicious lemonade.  And purchased $10 worth of orange juice and grapefruit juice.  Why would I pay that for something I could get at the store?  Easy,  it's fresh squeezed and delicious.  I got used to drinking the oj from Ferris Groves in Inverness so when I am out I go through withdrawls and thought that while my $5 one liter of oj was worth it I would rather drive an hour and a half back home to buy some fresh from the groves.  Like $6 per gallon at Ferris.  Even the juice that I was ready to invest in for the entire week fell short of my expectations.  Sigh.  Though I have to admit, the oj isn't bad.  It's not $5 good, but not bad.  The grapefruit juice was definitely not worth the money.  BUT the wild watermelon, blackberry, gourmet lalala whatever blend at $7.50 per liter is something I would totally go back for.  It was divine and I wish I had bought a bottle.  Somewhere between the juices and my handing over the money my brain kicked in and told me to slow my roll.  No need to buy the orange grove this week.

I'm going to try to make it to one of the other local markets this weekend to see if maybe I could find one that fits me a little better because I hate to think there isn't one around I could shop at and Waldo is a little far to drive for some produce.  Though the fact the people at the Waldo market probably had a shower, likely won't have their pit bull mere inches from my daughter, and hopefully have vaccinated their children automatically ranks that market above downtown Gainesville.  Ugh. 

...do not hinder them...

Every night after Lucy's bath we read the plaques on her bedroom wall while I dry her hair and finish dressing her.  She looks forward to it so much that she points to the words and smiles.  I love it.  One plaque I talked about here and the other I haven't taken a picture of but it is a pink and green cross that reads 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith not by sight.  My favorite moment was a couple weeks ago when we were reading the pink and green cross and Lucy said "wow!" which showed me a child's reaction to scripture.  We also talk about the Bible and I always recite Matthew 19:14 to Lucy during our bedtime rituals.  She is so interested when we are talking about God and I feel like it is our job to teach her, or at least lead her to where she can learn about Him.

Here's the problem.  I work every Sunday.  My job requires 8 weekend shifts (Saturday or Sunday) per 8 week schedule which can equal whatever days you want as long as you have 8.  My schedule since I began working has always been every Sunday, which wasn't that big of a deal when I worked nights since I went to church in the morning and napped in the afternoon before work.  About 3 years ago I switched to an all days schedule and maintained my every Sunday schedule, which I really hated because church was eliminated at least in the form of Sunday morning church I have always known.  And Saturdays are the only day Phil and I had off together.  Then I had Lucy.

Phil and I have been talking for months about how we need to take Lucy to church and reinvent that portion of our lives but I have yet to create the schedule necessary to make that a reality.  I know there are churches that have services other days of the week, but my church does not.  Which is the second part of the problem.  I am Lutheran.  Was raised Lutheran, wed in a Lutheran church, Lucy was Christened in the same church.  I love the way we worship and believe as the church teaches.  Obviously "becoming" another denomination is a difficult task I am not fully embracing it.  Phil is a little more open so it's really just me.  And I am trying to over come it but I'm not doing so well.  The ultimate goal is for our family to worship together and for Lucy to learn all the ways of God and I feel like at this point I am hindering it.  I can't give up our Saturdays together as a family, I can't embrace a new schedule, and I can't think about becoming a member of a non-Lutheran church.  I am the one slowing our journey. 

So, at night as I recite Matthew 19:14 to Lucy it's part of my reminding myself that I need to make this a focus.  I know so many of my friends have struggled with finding a church home for their family and I know you understand at least a part of my challenges.  Any prayers you can offer on our behalf are greatly welcome.  This is so important to us and I'm truly at a loss.

Judgy Mommy

I've realized as I've been a mom that the most judgemental people are those without children.  Similar to how everyone at some time has thought or said, "I will/would never do THAT."  Then it's 4am on the 2nd week without sleep and you not only have your baby sleeping on his or her tummy, but the baby is sleeping on your chest on his tummy while you catch the first shut eye since his or her birth. And you check off the first thing you said you would never do before the baby came to reside on this earth.

Along the way I've realized that the feeling of being judged by your mommy peers never really goes away.  Likely people aren't really thinking you are a bad mom by having your child securely strapped into a harness, but the fact that you have your child on a leash just sends the feeling of daggers your way.  Similar to how I feel when I put Lucy in the shopping cart without the cover.  Mind you she has been sick once in her life.  Once.  But I can't shake the feeling that I'm exposing her to unmentionable germs and everyone at the store is condemning me for being such a dirty person.

My difficulties I had to get over with Lucy was the breastfeeding stigma, because I still tend to be pretty judgy about that.  And feeding her jars of food instead of painstakingly preparing it for her. 

So, I have to briefly address the breastfeeding issue (because if you know me you also know I could go on for hours about it!)  I have never understood women who CHOOSE not to breastfeed.  I'm completely eliminating those women who for whatever reason are unable to because of medications they need or are physiologically incapable.  I'm referring to the women who just WON'T.  I believe it is still my responsibility to provide nutrition to my child even after she no longer resides in my body.  End of story.  Now I was under the impression that would be an easy task. You have a baby, you produce milk.  No big deal.  Then the reality of my body occurred and $400 a month later I was producing like 2 ounces of breastmilk PER DAY.  But, I paid it and we breastfed for 9 months and I would totally do it all over again just to have the peace of mind that I did my job.  It wasn't for my lack of effort, it was my body that didnt know what the hell to do.  Not my fault and I did the best I could and I'm totally cool with that.  That doesn't mean that for the first year I didn't prepare Lucy's formula in breastmilk containers so that other people wouldn't know that she was not actually dining on breastmilk. 

Then there's the jar food vs. prepared food debate.  I swore I would be that mom that pureed all of Lucy's food and froze it into perfect little ice cube tray squares for later consumption.  I pictured myself spending a day in the kitchen every couple of weeks to make delicious and nutritious food for my sweet girl.  Everyone said "ok".  Then gave me the "sure you will" look while reminding me that I don't cook.  I'm not usually the cook in the family so this would really be a huge undertaking for me.  But I did it, I made carrots and applesauce.  Green beans.  Etc.  And Lucy hated them.  Actually, she hated all food.  Feeding her was and still is a huge ordeal.  And I felt, probably selfishly, that if she wasn't going to eat the food I provided her I wasn't going to take the time to cook it myself.  Thankfully I found Earth's Best Organics.  I realized that I might have been cooking the foods for her, but these were organic foods.  Prepared with combos of veggies and fruits and they were actually tasty.  And time saving.  So I didn't feel like I was spooning poison into her mouth every time I was trying to feed her, I knew she was still getting good, clean nutrition.  And gradually I became ok with that.  I wasn't supermom who pureed all her foods.  I'm ok with that too.

I think one of the challenges with raising children is that amount of pressure we put on ourselves.  The pressure to not be judged.  Pressure to raise our babies the right way, whatever you deem that to be.  And pressure to overcome your fears of being judged because honestly I've realized who gives a damn.  I typically don't care what other people think of me, but somehow when I had Lucy I wanted to be perfect in the pursuit of motherhood.  I'm gradually realizing that even in this area, I just don't give a damn if people are being judgy toward me or my family.  It's very liberating.  And something I highly recommend to all my mommy friends who are struggling with this as much as I did!

Tara Norris, student...again

After prayerful consideration and moments of panic I am officially a student again.  Last week I signed up for my first semester of grad school.  And somehow I am not only peaceful, but excited about it!  If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I was ever interested in going back to school for my Masters I would have rolled my eyes and laughed at you.  I simply didn't want to, ever.  It was never my plan.  I was perfectly happy after I graduated with my BSN to never, ever, ever go beyond that.  Then all of a sudden a month and a half ago I decided to do a little research regarding becoming a certified nurse, which I think is a total crock after doing my "research" (but that's for another time) and somehow ended up just peeking at some online schools that offer nursing Masters programs to see what exactly is out there.  Through clicking here and there I found a school that as best I can tell was started as a technology hub from Vanderbilt and only had decent reviews, not "scam" when googled, and the more I read the more interested I became.  Completely online, no tests only weekly papers, no GRE, it just kept getting better.  Plus it had those good reviews unlike some other schools I had found during that search I initially did. 

I prayed for guidance, peace about the decision to go back to school and about the debt we would accrue, and a sign that this is the right move at this time.  Over the next weeks I received all of that reassurance and within a couple weeks was writing admission essays, revamping my resume, and was accepted, I was GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!

Orientation started Monday and classes start officially in 2 weeks.  I'm still excited about it and just want to be done.  I am hoping I can double up classes in the coming semesters so this isn't a full  2 year program, but we'll see how it goes.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with this degree when I am done with it, but that's a bridge yet to cross.  And I know I am in the right place right now, so when that time comes I will be taken care of then as well.  Here goes...