The way I see it, in order to move ahead you need to reflect on where you have been. So in order for me to embrace the new year I'm reflecting on the most challenging year of my LIFE and figured in order to understand where I am now you need understand where I've been. Some of my friends know about my struggles while I was pregnant with Lucy, but so many don't. Since this blog is so new, I want to go ahead and address that now so there is no misunderstandings of my posts later on. Here goes.
Approximately 5 years ago I was sitting in the Emergency Room with excruiciating abdominal pain that wasn't appendicitis but otherwise couldn't be diagnosed. I tried to make an appointment with my regular OB doctor but the office informed me that there wasn't a soul in the office that could see me and my pain that day and if I was in that bad of a way I just needed to go to the ER. In the ER room, I sat all by myself because I convinced my now husband that he didn't need to be there, the warm and sensitive ER physician informed me that "something is wrong with you or something is wrong with him, but you will need fertility treatments to concieve and if you aren't attempting to concieve right now then just keep doing what you're doing, but eventually you may want to get checked out." Wow. I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was 15, but didn't know anything about it or what it could mean for future fertility and my body. This same doctor told me my pain was probably from my PCOS and it would just eventually go away. I left the ER that night and found a new OB that diagnosed my ruptured ovarian cyst rather quickly after it occurred again a couple months later and began treating my PCOS with Metformin. Regardless, I spent the next 5 years convinced we were never having children. My husband and I talked about it often, especially before we got married so that it wouldn't be an issue later. We were ok with it and agreed to cross that bridge when the time came. I was no less silently crushed at the possibility that I wouldn't ever be a Mom.
My friends became pregnant. I read message boards about pregnancy. I almost became consumed with it. Nobody knew. It was my secret pain. I was always happy for the newly pregnant one and played off that I was happy it wasn't me if ever asked. Secretly I always had a spare tear available if I thought about it too much so I tried not to dwell in my sorrow of potential infertility. It's not like achieving pregnancy is something you can see if you are good at without having any repurcussions. You can't take it for a test drive to see if the ER doctor was right or just an uncaring bitch who didn't know anything. Turns out my body was fine. And the doctor I still can picture. And I think she's a stupid bitch for causing so much grief in my life that was unnecessary. For years.
The month after my husband and I got married we started a diet together. In the next couple of months we lost 25 pounds, well I lost 25 pounds, he lost more like 50 and the brain tumor I diagnosed myself with as well as the "side effects" of the diet medication turned out to be a surprise and totally unplanned fetus. We were floored.
I don't even think there is a word for how utterly shocked we were to find out that two people who would need fertility treatments were having a baby, without any assistance of the human variety. We shared our news, after 12 weeks, because I just knew something would be wrong and I would miscarry. We celebrated our 12 week milestone at my best friend's wedding and I took a deep breath for the first time since we discovered our pregnancy. I don't think it had really sunk in yet that I was going to be a mother to an actual baby because I was in a heightened panic nearly constantly thinking about what types of birth defects our baby could have. I would worry so much I just had to stop thinking about it or I would never think about anything else. It was as much of a huge fear as how there isn't a word for how shocked we were to discover our pregnancy. There was no word other than consuming. In those moments when I would be excited for our baby I would always be jolted back by those thoughts. And since everyone thought I was crazy to even think about our baby not being perfect I became agitated that everyone dismissed the very real possibility. And the agitation built. Not slowly so I could manage it, it just showed up one day and moved into my body. And the agitation was HORRIBLE.
And I was angry. Angry at the ER doctor who required I believe I was infertile and that having a baby would be a struggle for my husband and I. Angry that we spent all that time talking about how we would feel if we never were able to have a baby that was genetically ours. Angry that I ever felt the emotions of infertility since I had never been officially diagnosed with it and angry that I knew all of the horrible things PCOS could do to your body. Angry at my fertility. Angry. and Agitated. and 2nd trimester pregnant.
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