Happy Easter!

We've been getting ready for Easter around here for a few weeks now, kicking it off with a visit with the Easter Bunny.  Lucy was super excited about it and when we got there the Bunny was occupied with other kids, which Lucy didn't like.  She started screaming "Easter Bunny!  Hi!" Then grabbed my hand to lead me to him which I thought would last until we were right up to him, but the only time she got even slightly hesitant was when I set her on his lap.  Otherwise she thought it was great and kept turning around to look at his ears. 

Today we colored Easter eggs with Nanny.  Lucy thought it was super fun.  She loved dropping the eggs into the colors, but she thought they were "swimming" so she didn't want to leave them in there to color, she wanted to just dunk them around and stick her fingers in the "water".  It was kind of an ordeal to say the least.  She kept my Mom busy rotating the colors and eggs while I took pictures and video.  Then toward the end Lucy got all crazy and threw the egg into the blue dye which spilled all over herself and the carpet.  While I was trying to clean up the blue my Mom turned her back for a second and Lucy grabbed the orange and dumped it all over herself, the carpet, the cushion she was sitting on, oh dear.  I ended up on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor (which came clean, surprisingly) while my Mom tended to the table cleanup, and Lucy just started yelling "amazing! amazing!"  Hilarious.  So we let her finish up the last few eggs we had while she talked to my Mom about the "trouble" and how it was "amazing".  My Mom was happy to usher us out to the pool when we were done!  She said maybe next year will be more fun, but really, Lucy had a ball and that's what it was all about!

Nanny and Lucy's hands after the Easter egg coloring fun!

And after the Easter Bunny left!  Easter has always been big with my family aside from the true meaning of the holiday, we have always had fun with the commercial side as well.  Since we are not currently active in a church to celebrate the most important holiday of the year, we have to celebrate with eachother by reading the scriptures and sharing the story of Easter with Lucy through her children's Easter book and explaining the upcoming holiday  each day with her.  Hopefully by next year we will be engaged in a church and can celebrate with our church family as well.  

Matthew 28:1-10 (New International Version, ©2011)

Matthew 28

Jesus Has Risen

 ¹ After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.  ² There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. ³ His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. ⁴ The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
 ⁵ The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. ⁶ He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. ⁷ Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”
 ⁸ So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. ⁹ Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. ¹⁰ Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

a little happy post smack in the middle of crazy

Ya'll probably know how crazy life is for my family right now.  As we sit here Phil is in the hospital because the crushed toe led to an infection and his leg is the size of a baby elephant right now. It looks really bad and is pretty scary.  They have him on a thousand antibiotics and he'll be there for at least the next two to three days. 

Obviously spending time there is difficult with Lucy, so I can only go for short periods of time and then I have to leave which makes me feel bad since he's left to fend for himself, though I know he understands.  Plus, trying to get all the necessary gear organized and hanging over me and the stroller for the huge trek from the garage to his room is such an ordeal.  And then the nighttime when Lucy keeps asking where Daddy is=so sad.  It's just super stressful all the way around.

SO, I needed to have a little happy in my life and decided to look through my camera roll. 

Last month we made a trip to Tennessee.  I love it up there and the sun was just setting as we were getting to town.

While we were there Lucy got to play at the Hamilton Place play area, which she loves.  You can pretty much guarantee that no matter the city, we will always be scouting a mall play area for her to play in.  Kinda funny since before I had a child and even for a while after I had her I was so against these germ filled play areas. 

It's been really warm lately so I broke out the plastic play pool one afternoon and painstakingly filled it with warm bath water while Lucy napped so that when she woke up she would have a fun activity and get a little fresh air and sun too.  You should have seen me carrying huge buckets filled with water from the bathroom to the back yard.  I was totally fearful it would burst all over my living room!  Anyway, the next day I got the pool out early and set up the umbrella because it was particularly hot with no clouds and I wanted her to play without me having to worry about her getting burnt!  Plus I had to lay a blanket down in the yard to guard from the dog "germs" and dirt and Momma had to have a sun mat to sit comfortably on too!  When we went outside Lucy said "Lucy's beach!" and had a great time playing and enjoying a popsicle.  It was a perfect day and so much fun for both of us, which I absolutely needed.  If only I had her imagination that the tiny back yard became a beach with just the addition of an umbrella, pool, and beach blanket!

And the other day while I was cleaning out old toys making room for new her Little People dollhouse was not making the cut and slated for the "to-go" list when she all of a sudden grabbed it and it has been her favorite toy ever since. 

I could probably get rid of everything else at this point because she has so much fun playing with it.  She carries her little dolls around and puts them in the door and talks to them.  It's the cutest thing I've ever seen, other than the popsicle enjoyment, and while I watched her playing I realized she is SO BIG!  When did my baby get to be big enough to play with a doll house??  Pretty sure I just brought her home from the hospital last week.  I think my friend was totally right when she said "the days are long, but the years are short".

She always makes me happy, regardless of the crazy all around me.  Thank God for my Lucy!



I'll be your caregiver this evening, you can call me "Tired"

So it's been forever and two days since I have updated anything but sometimes I just have so much in front of me, I can't seem to keep up. 

School is going fabulously.  I am really enjoying it and while I wish I was done already, only in my 3rd week, I am learning alot and find it interesting.  Plus, I love the format online which is really working for me.  Very time consuming, but I'm working it in and just seem to have less free time, but I never really had any anyway so no big deal.

Phil finally got back to work after his biceps repair via worker's comp. and then on Thursday crushed his big toe while at work.  Like the skin tissue is so badly damaged they predict he will lose it and they had to drill 3 holes in his toenail to relieve some of the pressure from the swelling to prevent compartment syndrome and the eventual amputation of his toe.  Seriously.  Who has a broken toe so badly crushed they tell you at the emergency clinic that you could need your toe amputated?  Phil, that's who.

Then there's my house which is so cluttered because apparently the "free time" I previously referred to was actually my cleaning time.  It's fairly overwhelming and I'm about 2 seconds away from breaking down and hiring a cleaning person to give me a little help around here.

I chose a profession in which my entire day at work is dedicated to caring for people.  Be it my patients, the doctor, management, or families my entire being is forced to give my all while I'm at work because that's what my patients deserve and what I believe will come back to me should my family ever be in a hospital setting.  It's exhausting. 

I come home to a perfect little being whom I adore and whom also requires all of my time and attention.  A little person who really doesn't nap and stays up at night with me until I have to just leave her in her room sometimes while she is awake and unhappy.  I am done with the day and just need a little break, which makes me feel like I'm not giving her my best, though I know that's not true.  I don't think we ever feel like "enough" for our babies.  It's exhausting.

At any given moment I have 259 various things in my head that I need to tend to, address, rectify, or otherwise devote just a few moments.  I have become so good at prioritizing it's obscene because I just simply can't do everything and certainly can't be everything to everyone.  But I have a husband that deserves at least the best his wife can give him and I know I don't rise to the occasion sometimes.  It's exhausting.

I used to play that silly game on my phone where you create this island resort and clean up after your guests and appease them when they are dissatisfied.  I thought it was super fun.  Then I found myself getting mad at the imaginary people on my imaginary island because they threw their imaginary trash all over and then had the balls to be dissatisfied with their accommodations to where I had to make them happy by buying them drinks.  WTF?  I was MAD at IMAGINARY guests on my island.  And that's when I deleted the game because I care for enough people and things in reality that you won't find me farming or building resorts or caring for virtual barnyard animals or zoo critters. 

Sometimes 24 hours in a day isn't enough and I need to be 3 people just to get it all done.  I'm learning what is important and what to let go.  Keyword learning.  But it's super hard and sometimes all I need is 2 hours to myself to just have silence.  I know my friends get it.  And I know some of you are struggling just like me to be everything to everyone and to feel like you are the best mom and wife ever.  So, to all of you, I want to say you are doing a great job, keep it up.  Because sometimes all we need is a little support, encouragement, and the knowledge that you aren't alone in the life struggles!

$5 small carton of OJ, gimme 2 please!

The Farmer's Market is something I've always loved going to.  I remember when I was a child my parents would go and we picked out fresh beans, okra, spinach, tomatoes, onions.  I can still smell the sweet smell of the fresh fruits and veggies and remember being super excited about that night's meal when we would cook and enjoy our purchases.  The people selling the goods were so interesting and friendly.  I could go on and on about how great it was.  Plus, in Inverness there were an abundance of little fruit stands, orange groves, and strawberry fields so fresh foods were not something you had to look too hard to locate.

A couple years ago I discovered the downtown Gainesville farmer's market and LOVED going.  They sold delicious lemonade to drink while you shopped, home made pastries, huge bunches of beautiful flowers, and of course fruits and veggies.  I even bought some raw milk one time, and I say one time because I hate milk and Phil wasn't a huge enough fan to justify the extreme cost.  The major, and I mean major, downside for me shopping at the market was the people.  The folks selling the items weren't tremendously friendly and the people that shopped there were very, um, green.  Like don't bathe kind of green.  Like hairy armpits kind of green.  TOTALLY not me.  And honestly the tight quarters and the nasty people discouraged me from shopping there so I stopped going. 

The market ended up getting so large they moved it to the area next to the courthouse.  Around the same time organic became all the rage, so the goods you were buying at the farmer's market was about twice the amount you would pay at the store.  Making the location even better was the fact you had to shop with the town's homeless population, so really there was no draw for me anymore even with the new "open air" feel.  Anyway you looked at it you were shopping with people that hadn't showered in, what, weeks?  And let me just take a moment to say, if you are au naturale about your hygeine then good for you.  I'm probably not your friend, but if you stumbled upon my little corner of life here I just have to say one thing.  If you don't bathe because you somehow think you are cleaner without the chemicals in soaps or the harsh chlorine treated water--you are WRONG.  You smell bad and perhaps should consider living in a state that isn't sweltering hot and humid approximately 10 months of the year. 

Here's my point.  I went to the downtown market yesterday in search of fresh veggies and fruit.  I left with some tomatoes and a small bag of new potatoes.  Drank some delicious lemonade.  And purchased $10 worth of orange juice and grapefruit juice.  Why would I pay that for something I could get at the store?  Easy,  it's fresh squeezed and delicious.  I got used to drinking the oj from Ferris Groves in Inverness so when I am out I go through withdrawls and thought that while my $5 one liter of oj was worth it I would rather drive an hour and a half back home to buy some fresh from the groves.  Like $6 per gallon at Ferris.  Even the juice that I was ready to invest in for the entire week fell short of my expectations.  Sigh.  Though I have to admit, the oj isn't bad.  It's not $5 good, but not bad.  The grapefruit juice was definitely not worth the money.  BUT the wild watermelon, blackberry, gourmet lalala whatever blend at $7.50 per liter is something I would totally go back for.  It was divine and I wish I had bought a bottle.  Somewhere between the juices and my handing over the money my brain kicked in and told me to slow my roll.  No need to buy the orange grove this week.

I'm going to try to make it to one of the other local markets this weekend to see if maybe I could find one that fits me a little better because I hate to think there isn't one around I could shop at and Waldo is a little far to drive for some produce.  Though the fact the people at the Waldo market probably had a shower, likely won't have their pit bull mere inches from my daughter, and hopefully have vaccinated their children automatically ranks that market above downtown Gainesville.  Ugh. 

...do not hinder them...

Every night after Lucy's bath we read the plaques on her bedroom wall while I dry her hair and finish dressing her.  She looks forward to it so much that she points to the words and smiles.  I love it.  One plaque I talked about here and the other I haven't taken a picture of but it is a pink and green cross that reads 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith not by sight.  My favorite moment was a couple weeks ago when we were reading the pink and green cross and Lucy said "wow!" which showed me a child's reaction to scripture.  We also talk about the Bible and I always recite Matthew 19:14 to Lucy during our bedtime rituals.  She is so interested when we are talking about God and I feel like it is our job to teach her, or at least lead her to where she can learn about Him.

Here's the problem.  I work every Sunday.  My job requires 8 weekend shifts (Saturday or Sunday) per 8 week schedule which can equal whatever days you want as long as you have 8.  My schedule since I began working has always been every Sunday, which wasn't that big of a deal when I worked nights since I went to church in the morning and napped in the afternoon before work.  About 3 years ago I switched to an all days schedule and maintained my every Sunday schedule, which I really hated because church was eliminated at least in the form of Sunday morning church I have always known.  And Saturdays are the only day Phil and I had off together.  Then I had Lucy.

Phil and I have been talking for months about how we need to take Lucy to church and reinvent that portion of our lives but I have yet to create the schedule necessary to make that a reality.  I know there are churches that have services other days of the week, but my church does not.  Which is the second part of the problem.  I am Lutheran.  Was raised Lutheran, wed in a Lutheran church, Lucy was Christened in the same church.  I love the way we worship and believe as the church teaches.  Obviously "becoming" another denomination is a difficult task I am not fully embracing it.  Phil is a little more open so it's really just me.  And I am trying to over come it but I'm not doing so well.  The ultimate goal is for our family to worship together and for Lucy to learn all the ways of God and I feel like at this point I am hindering it.  I can't give up our Saturdays together as a family, I can't embrace a new schedule, and I can't think about becoming a member of a non-Lutheran church.  I am the one slowing our journey. 

So, at night as I recite Matthew 19:14 to Lucy it's part of my reminding myself that I need to make this a focus.  I know so many of my friends have struggled with finding a church home for their family and I know you understand at least a part of my challenges.  Any prayers you can offer on our behalf are greatly welcome.  This is so important to us and I'm truly at a loss.

Judgy Mommy

I've realized as I've been a mom that the most judgemental people are those without children.  Similar to how everyone at some time has thought or said, "I will/would never do THAT."  Then it's 4am on the 2nd week without sleep and you not only have your baby sleeping on his or her tummy, but the baby is sleeping on your chest on his tummy while you catch the first shut eye since his or her birth. And you check off the first thing you said you would never do before the baby came to reside on this earth.

Along the way I've realized that the feeling of being judged by your mommy peers never really goes away.  Likely people aren't really thinking you are a bad mom by having your child securely strapped into a harness, but the fact that you have your child on a leash just sends the feeling of daggers your way.  Similar to how I feel when I put Lucy in the shopping cart without the cover.  Mind you she has been sick once in her life.  Once.  But I can't shake the feeling that I'm exposing her to unmentionable germs and everyone at the store is condemning me for being such a dirty person.

My difficulties I had to get over with Lucy was the breastfeeding stigma, because I still tend to be pretty judgy about that.  And feeding her jars of food instead of painstakingly preparing it for her. 

So, I have to briefly address the breastfeeding issue (because if you know me you also know I could go on for hours about it!)  I have never understood women who CHOOSE not to breastfeed.  I'm completely eliminating those women who for whatever reason are unable to because of medications they need or are physiologically incapable.  I'm referring to the women who just WON'T.  I believe it is still my responsibility to provide nutrition to my child even after she no longer resides in my body.  End of story.  Now I was under the impression that would be an easy task. You have a baby, you produce milk.  No big deal.  Then the reality of my body occurred and $400 a month later I was producing like 2 ounces of breastmilk PER DAY.  But, I paid it and we breastfed for 9 months and I would totally do it all over again just to have the peace of mind that I did my job.  It wasn't for my lack of effort, it was my body that didnt know what the hell to do.  Not my fault and I did the best I could and I'm totally cool with that.  That doesn't mean that for the first year I didn't prepare Lucy's formula in breastmilk containers so that other people wouldn't know that she was not actually dining on breastmilk. 

Then there's the jar food vs. prepared food debate.  I swore I would be that mom that pureed all of Lucy's food and froze it into perfect little ice cube tray squares for later consumption.  I pictured myself spending a day in the kitchen every couple of weeks to make delicious and nutritious food for my sweet girl.  Everyone said "ok".  Then gave me the "sure you will" look while reminding me that I don't cook.  I'm not usually the cook in the family so this would really be a huge undertaking for me.  But I did it, I made carrots and applesauce.  Green beans.  Etc.  And Lucy hated them.  Actually, she hated all food.  Feeding her was and still is a huge ordeal.  And I felt, probably selfishly, that if she wasn't going to eat the food I provided her I wasn't going to take the time to cook it myself.  Thankfully I found Earth's Best Organics.  I realized that I might have been cooking the foods for her, but these were organic foods.  Prepared with combos of veggies and fruits and they were actually tasty.  And time saving.  So I didn't feel like I was spooning poison into her mouth every time I was trying to feed her, I knew she was still getting good, clean nutrition.  And gradually I became ok with that.  I wasn't supermom who pureed all her foods.  I'm ok with that too.

I think one of the challenges with raising children is that amount of pressure we put on ourselves.  The pressure to not be judged.  Pressure to raise our babies the right way, whatever you deem that to be.  And pressure to overcome your fears of being judged because honestly I've realized who gives a damn.  I typically don't care what other people think of me, but somehow when I had Lucy I wanted to be perfect in the pursuit of motherhood.  I'm gradually realizing that even in this area, I just don't give a damn if people are being judgy toward me or my family.  It's very liberating.  And something I highly recommend to all my mommy friends who are struggling with this as much as I did!

Tara Norris, student...again

After prayerful consideration and moments of panic I am officially a student again.  Last week I signed up for my first semester of grad school.  And somehow I am not only peaceful, but excited about it!  If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I was ever interested in going back to school for my Masters I would have rolled my eyes and laughed at you.  I simply didn't want to, ever.  It was never my plan.  I was perfectly happy after I graduated with my BSN to never, ever, ever go beyond that.  Then all of a sudden a month and a half ago I decided to do a little research regarding becoming a certified nurse, which I think is a total crock after doing my "research" (but that's for another time) and somehow ended up just peeking at some online schools that offer nursing Masters programs to see what exactly is out there.  Through clicking here and there I found a school that as best I can tell was started as a technology hub from Vanderbilt and only had decent reviews, not "scam" when googled, and the more I read the more interested I became.  Completely online, no tests only weekly papers, no GRE, it just kept getting better.  Plus it had those good reviews unlike some other schools I had found during that search I initially did. 

I prayed for guidance, peace about the decision to go back to school and about the debt we would accrue, and a sign that this is the right move at this time.  Over the next weeks I received all of that reassurance and within a couple weeks was writing admission essays, revamping my resume, and was accepted, I was GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!

Orientation started Monday and classes start officially in 2 weeks.  I'm still excited about it and just want to be done.  I am hoping I can double up classes in the coming semesters so this isn't a full  2 year program, but we'll see how it goes.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with this degree when I am done with it, but that's a bridge yet to cross.  And I know I am in the right place right now, so when that time comes I will be taken care of then as well.  Here goes...